• Nov 25
  • 2009

Sibling confides, then denies, suicidal feelings. Now what?

Picture of Lauren Forcella

Editor’s Web Note: The experiences the panelists share in this column help dispel one of the most dangerous myths about suicide: that telling someone in authority will cause the suicidal person to actually do it. People considering suicide want help and even when they share with you in the strictest confidence — or deny their feelings, they are secretly hoping that you WILL tell someone who can help them. — Lauren

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m 17 and have a 15-year-old sister who I really love and care about. She constantly swings from feeling high to feeling low. She confides in me about her problems at night in our room, and when she’s low she says she feels like killing herself. When I get upset, she says she doesn’t mean it. However, I’ve heard that threats of suicide should always be taken seriously and she has made these threats several times in the last few months. She says I’m the only one she can confide in and doesn’t want me to tell our parents. However, if I keep silent and she harms herself, I could never forgive myself. What should I do? — Loving sister

 
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Vanessa 21, Galt, Calif. Ask me a question

It’s hard when so many people don’t mean what they say, or say what they don’t mean, but I have been in your EXACT position and you have to trust me!

My younger brother had just turned 20. He, too, had mood swings — a sign of depression, stress, bipolar disorder, many things. But he had plenty going for him: a girlfriend of four years, an apartment with friends, full-time work as a fast-food shift manager. He didn’t like his job, but was optimistic about the future and had new job interviews scheduled.

He texted me saying he quit his job because he was on the verge of killing himself. I freaked out because my brother was there for me when I was 13 in ICU for an overdose. So, the second I received his text I replied that I would get him to a doctor, get him on antidepressants, whatever it took, and pay for everything since he was uninsured. He replied that he wasn’t depressed and was happy and grateful for what he had in life. When I learned he had “un-quit” his job I felt proud for talking to him. I wanted so badly to believe he was happy, like an idiot I dropped the topic. That was the last time I talked to him. Seven days later, my mother called screaming that my brother had shot himself.

Your sister has a chemical imbalance. It cannot be cured by late-night conversations. Even if she stops talking about suicide, I’m begging you TELL SOMEONE! Leave an anonymous note if you have to. It doesn’t have to be your parents, school counselors are there for this.

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Ashley 22, Auburn, Calif. Ask me a question

Tell someone! This is her cry for help! She needs to see a therapist before things worsen and she turns to drinking or drugs to self-medicate.

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Catherine 22, Amherst, Mass. Ask me a question

I lost a dear friend because I didn’t have the courage to speak up. Believe me, the pain from keeping silent is far greater than the betrayal your sister will feel (temporarily) when you tell your parents.

I’ve been on the other side, too. When I was struggling emotionally, my brother told my parents — which led me to a wonderful therapist. I still struggle, but now I know what to do when I’m feeling low. Your sister needs therapy. Her mood swings indicate a chemical imbalance.

Please call 1-800-SUICIDE. The calls are routed to your local area and you reach trained people 24/7. Give your sister this number and call them yourself for advice ASAP.

Picture of Lauren
Lauren Ask me a question

DEAR SISTER: Don’t waste another minute. Similar to you, many parents don’t know if they should take a suicide threat seriously, but school counselors and teachers ALWAYS do. I recommend you tell all three.

Dear Readers (especially my adult readers): Adolescents, returning vets, and the elderly are especially vulnerable to suicide. The holiday season is always emotional. Please take time to show warm interest in these members of your family. It can make all the difference in the world.

Comments

  1. By Maureen, 17, Panelist from Redding, Calif. on 2009 11 25

    You need to tell someone.  If something does happen, you will never forgive yourself.  It is better to have your sister mad at you and alive than the alternative. You can always tell someone other than your parents, like a school counselor or another adult figure so that you don’t feel you betrayed her by telling your parents.

  2. By Brie, 18, Panelist from Ashland, Ore on 2009 11 25

    Suicidal threats should ALWAYS be taken seriously. Ask your sister to talk to a school counselor. Or talk to a school counselor yourself. They can be helpful in finding a way to help your sister. I understand that you don’t want to lose your sisters confidence, but telling someone who can help her is what you need to do.

  3. By Scot, 22, Panelist from San Luis Obispo, Calif. on 2009 11 25

    As you already are, be there for her. Encourage her to bring these problems to the attention of someone else. If she seems unwilling to do so, tell your parents yourself. Your trust may be damaged a little but she will understand that you did it because you care

  4. By Lauren from Straight Talk for Teens on 2009 11 25

    Dear Readers: Young people are often on the front lines in hearing suicide threats, and (like many adults), they are unable to sort out what is real and what is idle talk, and simply don’t know what to do about it either way. In addition, they are often afraid to break confidence thinking that will only make the situation worse for the person suffering. On top of that, some teens think they can counsel someone through their depression themselves. All these ways of thinking are misguided and have life-and-death consequences. ALWAYS tell a competent adult, including a teacher or counselor.

    See our category search under SUICIDE for more columns on the topic, including warning signs and suicide first aid.

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